I’m still around

I’ve been neglecting writing because I wanted to be positive and anyone who is on the job hunt knows it’s exhausting, it’s depressing and it’s just a matter of day by day. It’s finding that balance of finding meaningful work and having an income. I have LOVED my jobs over the years. I feel is vital to the soul to have a job that brings joy into your life. I watched my dad wake up every day hating his job but he did it to support the family. For that I will always be grateful. I told myself I wanted to make sure I do what I love. The downside means it’s been kind of a rollercoaster. I’m ready to find something stable. I want to find something I can grow in and have for a very long time and brings me joy. It’s almost like dating. Finding that good fit and feels amazing and helps you be a better person. That’s the kind of job I want. I will close my eyes and vision this and let the universe bring me exactly what my soul and my family need.

In addition to surviving the job hunt, we are on the tail end of this custody evaluation. It’s been hard emotionally as I’m forced to bring up some painful times. The hardest part in all of this is the gaslighting. When you leave an abusive relationship that thrived on emotional abuse, that person will do anything to save their image. The lies are heartbreaking and hurtful. I just have to trust and hope the evaluator can see through that.

Finally, I scraped up enough money to pay the employment attorney to get the rest of the settlement money an old employer owes. I don’t know if I mentioned but one of my previous employers assaulted me. The CEO was drunk/high at a party and was upset that I confided in his GM about his behavior of trying to sleep with me. I loved my job so much that I was painfully struggling inside trying to wrap my head around my CEO for way too long. I’m grateful I never gave in, in fact I was more and more disgusted but I loved what I was doing until it became too much. When he confronted me, he didn’t realize there was an audience and at one point he said, “I’ll tell others you came on to me. I will destroy you and your children” Lets just say the company wanted to settle right away((sigh)). However, they didn’t finish paying. When the GM finally left(like many others) I suddenly wasn’t paid. What company thinks it’s okay to not pay on a legally binding agreement?

I’m looking forward to getting past these last couple months. It a strange way, I’m grateful. I’m grateful to be home. I’m grateful to work within and see how I can be stronger. I’m grateful I can face some demons and work through them so I’m healthier.

 

Oh goodness….

I have been aching to write but I haven’t had a computer. I had one but either my kids had it or I left it in our car. Speaking of cars, mine was totaled by a hit and run and they never found the person at fault. It tweaked my neck that I’ve been struggling with all year. I also came down with a miserable chest cold, you know the kind that means if you try and talk you hack up a lung. That was miserable and lasted over two weeks.My husband and I bought a new car and instead of being happy about it, I cried harder then I had in years. No job, bigger car payment, sick, and realizing I have a lot of bills and not sure how to make paying them possible.

Lets just say it was a terrible way to end 2018. Oh and there was a funeral mixed in as well. One of my best friends lost her oldest son unexpectedly. Even though I know I have a lot of wonderful things that happened in 2018, the negative things were overwhelming. Pneumonia, broken foot, cold after cold, bulging disk in neck, and of course losing my job in addition to so many other little things piled on making 2018 rough.

How do I not let it get to me? It’s amazing how the stress of money over powers everything good in life. I somehow have to figure out how to pay rent, how to pay for custody evaluation, how to pay for the attorney, how to pay for car and insurance and put food on the table. We needed a car because we do not have public transportation where we live.

The positive is, besides car, we really don’t have much debt. Yes I do have to pay child support and that will change after March. In fact, a lot will change after March. Once I figure out how to pay my employment attorney, I will get money from a settlement that I’m owed as well. I had a previous job in which the CEO kept trying to sleep with me and when he found out I was telling people about his behavior, one night while he was drunk and high, he threatened me in front of several people while at a party. I hired an attorney and they agreed to a settlement but then failed to finish paying on the settlement.

Other positives is I’m updating and redesigning my website, I’m looking to do more photo work this year. I’m also finally going to get my documentary off the ground. I’m teaching a bunch of classes this year at some pretty big conferences. I do have a lot going for me in 2019. I just need to find a way to make it to April.

 

And there’s more!!

When I titled this blog, I wasn’t kidding. I feel like my life is this crazy show. Some days I can’t believe what happens but I do since it actually happens. Last night I dropped off my kids to their dad’s house. One my way home I was hit by a driver who failed to yield at a roundabout. My car will probably be totaled and I’m sore today. What is even worse is the driver took off and left me there without a drivable car in the snow at night. Funny thing is I was in my slippers because my car was in the garage and I wasn’t planning on getting out of my car.

I owe more then what my car is worth. I’ve been trying to work on my credit from some dark years of not being able to pay for some medical bills and getting behind on my school loans. I cannot afford a car right now and have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m set to pay about 2k a month for a custody evaluation and I still have rent, utilities, food to cover. I’m facing a huge oh shit moment of what the hell am I going to do? My savings has been going to attorneys. I barely have enough to cover this deductible for my car insurance.

How many times can one person keep taking punches? This is how my life is. I am going to work on some energy today. I will sage my house, reclaim my space, offer good things in place of the negativity, set my intentions and ask for peace.  My blog here is new but if I were to write out my last 8 years, it would be UNBELIEVABLE! Of course I have a lot of good things going, I do. In fact, it’s my mindset from not being a victim that has helped me get through these punches over and over. I don’t understand why I lost a job I loved and was good at. I don’t understand why I have an ex husband who tears me down every chance he can, I don’t understand why someone had to hit me last night and take off. I don’t understand why a dear dear friend of mine lost her oldest son this week. The pain she feels, I cannot even imagine. This has been a week of tears but I want it to be a week of reason and a week of turning this dark energy into a force of good.

I need to find my positive juju and land on my feet so I can take care of my family and create goodness for everyone around me.

Getting laid off at Christmas blows

I woke up yesterday morning sore from hustling from event to event I had organized. With hundreds of pounds of gear I was carrying everywhere, I went down to the hotel workout room to workout the sore muscles. I love my job. I love the stores I’ve been developing relationships with and I have pretty decent numbers since I came on. A couple stores that are hurting are hurting with everyone and one store is hurting because they are all online and with Amazon increasing fees, it’s hard to keep progressing. However, I have some pretty awesome numbers with dealers doing good things and 2019 looked so positive with some of the new products. I was excited about 2019. Anyways, as I was heading back to my hotel room to start my day, I received a call from my boss. As soon as I heard the words, “There’s not a good way to say this.” I froze.

I couldn’t even talk. I just listened to one of the worst things I could have heard during this time of year. Then I got scared. I honestly don’t remember much of anything else that was said. Today I’m mad. Today I realized they have no idea what I’ve done behind the scenes and maybe that’s a lot my fault. I like to dive in and work and I like to see success without having to show it off. I love love love my job. It’s the little things. For example, a customer the other day in one of my stores came back in later and was so grateful by what I taught her, she bought me lottery tickets to thank me. Another store, made sure I left with gifts of chocolate. It was adorable. I get emails after any event or class thanking me and saying things like they’ve learned more from me then they ever have at a free in store event. Those emails matter. Those moments matter. It’s also those moments my boss will never know about. I know the company was hurting but I guess I underestimated by how much. Would it have even mattered? All I can do know is be grateful for the insight on growing as a person and how I come across to others and be better for it.

Today I feel lost. Today I feel scared. My husband was unemployed all this year and I was supporting the whole family. In addition, we have just started a custody evaluation in which I’m paying for(will get reimbursed at the end) but I’m paying for it so my ex won’t drag his feet. Now I have to figure out HOW to pay for it. The state where I live limits the amount of unemployment to an unlivable wage. My husband finally started a new job and took a lesser pay knowing my job was making up the difference. We have one car in the shop and we haven’t even started Holiday shopping. For once, I just want to get ahead. I’m always fighting to stay afloat.